What you got they can't feel it, can't sell it, or steal it

Something old

2011-09-05T15:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was thinking and I realized I was on my way to be a very bad person...... I wasn't myself anymore....I was using my head for seriously nothing , or for crappy issues related to whims , and I cannot accept that, but I haven't noticed it, so I couldn't do anything about it before. But honestly, I was reading and remmebering what I used to care about, what I used to think about all the time....and it wasn't related to things.... that is what hurts the most.... how and when did I got to think about those kind of crap, that useless kind of crap??? it was a very bad thing for the band.

So today I woke up in a whole new way , thinking different, seeing things different and everything...but something happened that I wasn't expecting : I actually felt something I haven't felt in YEARS!!!!!! it was amazing.....I could feel the hope, I could feel the joy and I could feel the great things comming up once again, yes I actually felt what I used to feel when I was a skier and a new season was about to begin..... spring comming up, and I can't stop thinking that I'll actually go back to sking this summer.....it's like the best thing ever, the thing that I wait everyday, reason to wake up in the morning once again.....I feel like I wana do things.....and what's best...I feel that everything's going to be just fine.....great things are comming for me, this is going to be a great summer......I haven't got that feeling in so many years , it's awesome, I feel filled with joy . In that matter has been a great day, but when that happens to me....all the other aspects of my life are ok, they get balanced, even if they're going terribly wrong, so thank u life and God for letting me feel this again, I was feeling the lack of life inside me , and when that happens we start dying very slowly, I've been saved one more time.

fool or not fool?

2011-07-20T18:49:00.000-07:00

I've been recieving these messages for the last 2 days, and I've noticed basically that I could care too much ,among it, I'll quote my dearest once again: " u are such fool, to worry like u do" , then I wonder, "am I? , or am I right on the things I'm worrying about and the signs are just evident?"So confusion starts over again. The point is, I don't know if I should talk about it with anyone at all, because it's a delicate issue , plus I'm not quite sure about anything in that matter. Sometimes I do feel it's real, and that I feel it.....and then it's like: I'm not anymore. Now I've been noticed some weird attitudes , like taking the cellphone away when leaving the place for like 2 minutes or less, working late too much lately, and what makes me doubt even more, when his mother was here, he only worked late once, it's suspicious to say the least, plus the other he was "too tired", does that even happens with guys??? I think something's off..... and for other reasons I think I shouldn't worry, but I don't know..... there's so much that doesn't fits in how a relationship it's supposed to be, then I got an advice yesterday: "it'll never be how it's supossed to be" , so I think that maybe that's it.... then I'm scared of letting go as usual....I'm always afraid of that, that's why I need some more ATYCLB in my life, to help me go through with it....it's so freaken hard. Then I go like: life is short, I should just enjoy this crap untill it lasts. I just don't wanna be the dumb woman who gets cheated. I don't wanna get blind for comfortness. And so many times I just want to be myself. So at some point I've got to come that maybe I'm looking for excuses to fiish this up (honestly, I've done this before, so no surprises for me) So...Gosh I'm confused...... hope to get this resolved soon, otherwise I will never find the "right time" to do this. Crap, I haven't got a clue.

damn!

2011-06-24T17:05:00.000-07:00

Again way too long from the last time. It shouldn't be that way, but I have no much time lately, not even for myself. This whole college , boyfriend and family things have turned my world upside down, and I'm not sure I like it anymore. Remember how I used to figure things up and have epiphanies regarding what was going on in my life? Now I only wonder, I have nothing but questions.

I came to a point where here I am, 23 years old and I've just realized that my life is nothing like I have expected to be, I was supossed to be doing something else....not studying this carreer, I'm not doing what I love, and what's worse, nothing seems to really fill me up and make me totally happy. There's actually nothing that brings that balance that we all need.

So here I am , extremely confused, not knowing what to do, not being able to shout it out loud to let it go, and with so damn much going on. I'm not sure if I wanna be single again or not, it's just I really need some time for myself and specially to think, to figure things out. Plus I have so much doubts about him, and everything, sometimes I just think: this is not gonna work, this is not going to last long . Sometimes I even think I'm not made to be in a couple, I love being independent, and do whatever I want , when I want and don't have to explain anyone anything! That way is how I feel free..... and he doesn't understand it , so sometimes I'm like in this sord or prision, trying to release myself from the shackles , and can't totally achieve it.

Then, there's my carreer, maybe I'm just too tired of studying and all, but it doesn't let me time for anything else, and here is where trouble beggins, because if the same things happened to me with waterski , I'm pretty sure that I would say: " I don't fucken mind, I'm doing what I love the most on this earth , and I'm absolutely sure that I don't wanna do anything else, or wish to be in anywhere else but here, no matter if I have no time for anything else, I don't need it, this is my whole life". Instead , I'm like: "craic, I just want this crap to finish up, get a degree as soon as possible and start making money in orden to live on my own and don't have to give explanatios to anyone or ask for money ever again." Crappy as it sounds, hein?

At this very moment, all I want is to leave all my life here, forget about everything, not even put it on hold, just finish up what I was doing and take off, just travel, have some vacations for a couple of weeks, away from everything and everyone. It's like a serious refreshing for myself, and I cannot do that for multiple reasons. But I seriously wish I could do that, as a matter of fact is almost the only thing that I certainly know that I friggin wanna do!!!!!!!!

So the rest is history......I gotta try to move on and finish up this semestre as soon as possible and in the best way as possible as well. My jouney of living now beggins, I have already spoken out loud (here and to my bf making things very clear) , so anything that happens from now and on, I'll be a bitch and say things very hardly on the face, with no care of being a bad woman, because I'm not, and if I get to say things in a bitchy way that are true, it's only because I respect myself, and I know how much I am worth it.

Thank u God, U2 and Edge (of course my family is included too) for giving me the strength to start one more time and this time, even stronger that what I was before today.

Sometimes I feel I don't know....

2010-08-02T17:43:00.000-07:00

I''ve just realized that last time I wrote, I was about to get into one of the hardest and most painfull moments of my life. After that armoured peace , came the bloody war, and what a war, emotionally speaking , my stepdad died and that was a mess, mainly because he has being the other father that I ever had , the only one who would actually love us and take care of us for real, because he felt it, and he was the only one who could heal our wounds and let us believe in life and in people again, he helped us through the way and let us a in a good place when he noticed that we were somehow recovered and he had to leave, God calls people sometimes, and so it happened with David. So in that very moment everything changed, I had to carry my mother, he became dead in life, so I had to act very strong and take charge of things and my mother. At the same very moment we were living my aunt's second cancer, the very same day the funeral took place, my aunt was entering the O.R. for a major back surgery. So that became a war, awfull moments full of pain, missing him like hell, needing him, and I had my own process, first I couldn't believed it, a week later I was comming back from college and I found myself hoping for his car to be in the front of my house, hoping for to get home and see him there again, hoping for everything to have been nothing but a bad dream, so then times came when I heard him talk at night in my house, saying good night and that only made the emptiness even bigger. So rough times came, just as I was afraid of....that moment of way too much peace had to meant something, at it did, something so big and difficult comming up ahead and when it came, it did it big time. I don't know if I learnt much about that, but I do know that I can't still get it over, I've been crying my eyes out during all the time I've wirting this.

Talking about other things, I've already done a whole smestre and passed all my subjects , which made me very happy. I had some weird stories in the romantic area.... but now they seem funny to me and I can only laugh regarding those moments and what happened. I don't exactly know what has happened to me with all those things...because I've arrived at a place and moment when I feel way too comfortable with myself and I like that. But I beleive that I'm having some troubles to relate with people, it's like again, I don't wanna get to close, why? I don't have the slightest idea!!!! I feel a lot that I wanna be alone, that I don't miss people , just a few that I haven't seen in a long time, but maybe I'm trying to get back to my comfort zone again. It's still something I need to work on and think about because I have no idea what's going on. On the other hand, it's so true that things comes around when u're not looking for them , or sometimes when u don't even want them, and then I'm in the cue of things, trying to make a desition for so many options or ways and certainly don't know where to go to, mainly because I believe that I'm a bit scared, which is odd, because I usually amaze myself by discovering that I fear so few things, almost nothing, like I fear to dislike a new U2 song , very stupid things btw, so it's very odd that in this moment I have those fears....Geez....will I ever understand myself again? at least I hope so, I need a new revelation, soon.

And time goes by...

2009-10-03T18:27:00.000-07:00

Se pasa tan rapido el tiempo.... y uno crece y envejece o se pone mas loca (como en mi caso). Me gusta que las cosas cambien, pero hay cosas que me asustan...como esta especie de "paz armada" que siento que estoy viviendo....
Si bien despues de pasar mucho tiempo quejandome y luchando contra mil y un problemas que parecian bombardearme como si estuviera en WWIII, ha llegado un anhelado y pedido a gritos momento de paz, si...mucha paz para mi gusto, las aguas estan muy calmas y me da miedo. Por otro lado me di cuenta que quizas las aguas no estan taaan calmas, sino que , como todo en la vida, depende del cristal con que se mire.... y yo creo haberlo cambiado, entonces las cosas ya no me afectan tanto, al menos no las que no deberian afectarme y antes lo hacian (creo que mencione esto en la entrada anterior).
Mi tema es que no estoy acostumbrada a vivir asi, y me da un poco de miedo, pero todo tiene pinta de estar muy bien right now.... al menos en lo que respecta a mi estabilidad emocional.... lo dificil cae en esa ultima frase, yo soy una persona re inestable en cuanto a eso, lo cual me sorprende , pero me ha permitido ir enfrentando desafios que no habria podido enfrentar anteriormente, asi que gracias Dios por regalarme este momento lleno de paz.

2009-07-13T17:57:00.000-07:00

I hate the fact of not having the inspiration (or not giving myself the time) to write often. It's been a long time, and so much to say, even if, not many things have ocurred directly to me, or the things that has happened doesn't affect me as I thought it could've or as it (in a very twisted way) should've affect me.
So, starting up: I'm on vacation, there's only one grade left for me to recieve (tomorrow) and 'till now I've aproved all my subjects which is pretty cool to say, but I think there's still something missing for me to be better, 'cause I got the feeling that I can be better, that I can do better, and don't know what it is yet. Now I know what was keeping me from being better last year, which was the rage against my father for not being willing to pay for my studies, but now...I'm totally over that and things about certain people (out of my life, for the very least in my personal scheme) don't affect me because I took them out of my system, so I don't get what's keeping me from being better.
Then there's U2 360º tour started, which makes me very happy, and thanks to technology and the internet (doble edge weapon btw) I got the audios and I get to watch the videos of the shows at youtube, this little things might not mean anything to many people, but this sord of things really makes my days...and makes me happy and keeps me aways of so many things that I wanna stay away from, this guys with their music, makes me cry, and with the silly things they do/say they make me laugh so damn much , so it's like a nice hobbie , lol.
On the other hand, I need to express that lately I've been feeling like.... I think the word is numb, yeah, I feel myself like in between pillows, bouncing around crashing against walls or things, but being totally numb 'cause these pillows keeps me away from pain, they recieve all the pain for me, and then...there's nothing for me anymore, and I would use a lyrics from a song, that I can only think about which says: " you should worry about the day when the pain it goes away, you know I miss mine sometimes" , I totally feel like that right now....I haven't felt pain lately, I think I'm keeping myself away from feeling and that worries me, that's usually the sign of something very bad starting. But then I think : " I think I'm more mature right now, and I'm not numb, but I just stopped suffering for those who aren't needed, stopped suffering for those that don't give a damn about me, I finally understood that not everything and (it's a plain shame what I'm going to say) not everyone really matters or count" so I beLIEve that I've got to this point when I see life differently and I'm thinking for myself and the people who really loves me and try to save their asses along with my own and stop worrying of suffering because of those who don't. So yes, I think I gave very big steps lately, but they don't necesarily means that I'm happy, I'm not a sad person, but I do believe that there's something missing in my life, there's a freedom I cannot reach, and I think I know why, but probably that's not it, probably it's only myself keeping me away from the world, for FEAR only, because I'm too scared, I'm too scared of getting hurted another time, and it's so big that I think that I've kept myself away from it, and that's I'm numb, that fear becomes the pillows, so if I don't get too close to anyone, then I don't suffer, and it's not that right, but on the other hand it's better this way, because since I'm studying I canot afford to suffer and de-focus from what is my way out, my studies, my carreer, I can only think so many times that when I finish this I'll be free, I'll get myself out of this cage I feel in, so again with U2 : " I see seven towers , but I only see one way out" this is my way out, and I cannot ruin it, I cannot throw away this oportunity, cause I know it's the only I got, and probably that's keeping me away from being better, the preasure I feel, this pressure I cannot get rid off.

In the back seat

2009-05-09T17:02:00.001-07:00

El dia Jueves creo que fue...me pasó algo horrible, algo que nunca había sentido antes, me sentía fuera de mi cuerpo, como sobrevolandolo con lágrimas en mis ojos, sin tener control alguno sobre mi cuerpo, sin poder moverme. Todo empezó porque llegó a mi cabeza la importante frase de una canción de Arcade Fire, que suelo escuchar, pero no le había tomado el peso de lo que aquella frase entonada en un tono tan agudo por Règine significaba, el sentimiento que llevaba detrás, sí, aquella notable frase: "my family tree's loosing all its leaves, crashing towars the driver's seat(....) Alice died in the night I've been learning to drive, my whole life I've been learning...." . Entonces me pegó, duro, fuerte, dejándome inmóvil....wow... lágrimas en mis ojos, hacía un tiempo que eso no pasaba. Estaba ahí yo , un ser que estaba su cuerpo en una sala de clases, pero su alma y mente viajaron a un lugar y vieron cosas que no podría haber visto sin esta experiencia, sin que esa frase llegara a mi, nunca he probado droga alguna, pero creo que ninguna es capaz de llevarte hasta donde yo llegué, no hay mejor droga que la música, no hay mejor concientizador que la música, no hay mejor herramienta humanizadora que la música.
Sólo quería dejar registrada esta extraña pero enriquecedora experiencia que me dejó sin habla por un par de horas después, pero pasado un tiempo, mi mente se aclaró y pude volver a captar muchos más estímulos de los que antes estaba recibiendo...estaba media bloqueada y Règine con su voz angelical en Si me desbloquearon, me abrieron la mente y ahora puedo prestar atención a muchas cosas más (tomando en cuenta también que estoy más vieja, si 21 años ya van y todavía nada importante haha)

Se è vero che ci sei

2009-04-18T17:18:00.000-07:00

1. Put your iTunes (or any other media player you may have) on shuffle.

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the meme as well as the person you got the memo from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?"Wake up- Arcade Fire

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?"intervention"- Arcade Fire

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?"A firm kick"- John Frusciante huaha too funny!

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? "waiting on a sunny day"- Bruce Srpingsteen

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?"the well and the lighthouse"- Arcade Fire

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?"no line oh the horizon"- U2...WTF they can't actually see me?

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?"Hope" -John Frusciante. Actually I do

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?"magnificent"-U2. aww, that's sweet

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?"time tonight"- John Frusciante

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?"Torno subito"- Max Pezzali

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?"Unkown caller"- U2 hauhauhaua, what an occupation!

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?"a doubt" -John Frusciante

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?"Quello che capita"- Max Pezzali...I'm a misunderstood person.

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?"In relief"- John Frusciante

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?"Rebellion(lies)" - Arcade Fire, one of the coolest song EVER!

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? "EMPTINESS"- John Frusciante

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?"Born in the USA"- Bruce Springsteen, thank God I didn't!!!

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? "Water"- John Frusciante , alright then...

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?"FEZ-Being born"- U2 hauahuaa oh shitee!!!

HOW WILL YOU DIE?"Moments have you"- John Frusciante, not related at all to anything

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?"Breathe"- U2.Fuck now I cannot even breathe hauhaua, damn society

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?"Leap your bar"- John Frusciante..uhm...ok

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?"I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight"- U2 huahuahua

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?"the will to death"- John Frusciante...u get, do u? rather death than married hauhauhaua

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?"Get on your boots"- U2.As a matter of fact it does scares me, specially when Bongo at the end makes this "yeah, yeah, yeah", how creepy!

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?"every person"- John Frusciante, hauahu now I'm a slut or something like that

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE? "Eccoti"- Max Pezzali , uhm...ok then

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?"Inside a break"-John Frusciante.

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?"Se è vero che ci sei" Biagio Antonacci e Luciano Pavarotti

Chances?(no more)

2009-04-10T19:03:00.000-07:00

About the last thing I wrote now I'm not quite sure about the whole chances thing. I was there in the road, giving chances to people and suddenly someone made a bad, bad move on me, betrayed my confidence and all that shite, someone that I have to say I haven't even met, someone I gave the chance "to know me" by IM, so this person stole my accounts....wrong move from me!!! You cannot trust all, how blind could I get to be to think that, of course you gotta give chances to people, but no to every single one for God's sake!!!! Anyway...I'm already over that, and I've moved on and everything.
Lately I've realized that this is the second time I write this year, I should write more often to express whatever I need to. Now I'm done for today 'cause I got an empty head with no thoughts at all huahuahua.

it's been a while

2009-03-29T17:12:00.000-07:00

Bueno...hace tiempo que no venia a escribir, debe ser porque tuve un verano intenso, 1 mes de clases y 1 mes de vacaciones con todo lo que eso incluye... Lo bueno es que entre tanto ajetreo y cosas , fue un momento de reflexion, quizas mas de revelaciones que reflexion, pude aprender cosas sobre la gente y sobre mi, descubri que hay que vivir y disfrutar el momento sin importar que se este haciendo. Me vi en un minuto que estaba en una especie de "stand by" esperando tal cosa para poder ser feliz, lo hacia de manera inconsciente, sin saber que hay que vivir y hay que ser feliz en todo momento, porque si vivo esperando tal momento para ser feliz, cuando ese momento llegue voy a esperar otro y asi sucesivamente. Aprendi que hay grandes personas en todos lados y hay que darse el tiempo y la oportunidad para conocerlos, aunque resulten ser malas al final...al menos te das el tiempo. Entonces al final de enero llegue a la conclusion de que tengo que salir mas, darme oportunidades a mi misma y a los demas, es tiempo de oportunidades y es tiempo de ser feliz aunque falte algo, ese algo siempre va a estar porque comp dijo en algun momento Bongo y esta es una frase repetida: "I'm nearly great ,but there's something missing.....I left it in the duty free...." siempre va a haber algo, no importa que, las carencias como la diversidad son parte de la belleza y hay que aprender a vivir con ellas.

No puedo irme sin hacer una pequeña reseña de lo que es el NLOTH, nuevo CD de U2 que me ha traido liberacion, alegria, energia, pero mas que nada liberacion...me ha dado ese impulso que quizas necesitaba para dejar de estar "Numb" esperando algo....sali de ese estado gracias a esta gran obra musical....quizas no tanto en letras (que son bastante repetidas y no muy originales, excepto en "FEZ-Being born") pero si musicalmente es exquisito y esta lleno de energia.

No Line on the Horizon

2009-01-02T17:53:00.001-08:00

Bueno...por motivos administrativos (no!) no habia escrito en un tiempo ahuahau llamense esos motivos estudios o cosas asi. Y ahora voy a poner una cuestion que estoy poniendo en todas partes al parecer en distintos idiomas, pero aca lo pongo como en mi fotolog, en español, son las reflexiones de fin de año y de la vida que siempre me llevan a cosas parecidas (seguir lushando por la vida hauhaua) son los caminos de Dios y Bongo hauhauahuaa.

Bueno... me vi otra vez en la misma situacion. Vi todo derrumbarse frente a mis ojos , pero todo abajo por culpa de una cosa pequeña, como em pasa siempre. Despues de mi rabieta, que esta vez fue grande, entendi un par de cosas que Bono me hizo ver , como me abre los ojos de vez en cuando, asi lo hizo con el nombre dle nuevo Album: NO Line on The Horizon.... Me hizo ver que es linea en verdad nunca esta, al menos no deberia existir porque siempre tenemos nuevos proyectos sobre la mesa , siempre despues de caerte debes pararte y esta forma en particular debe ser de un modo distinto, distinto a como hacias tu vida antes de la caida, entonces necesitas tener este proyecto, esta nueva meta, la forma de hacerlo y como llegar ahi. Es raro y quizas un poco estupido pero me hace entender en todo sentido que cuando no tienes esta linea en el horizonte eres capaz de luchar mas fuerte en la proxima batalla , eres capaz de hacer todo por "encontrar el horizonte" , el mismo que no encontraras nunca, porque la vida es asi, no se detiene nunca, y una de las cosas que nos hacen sentir que estamos vivios son estas, las caidas , tener cualquier cosa por hacer ya sea para ahora o para mas adelante en tu vida, son las cosas que nos mantienen luchando. Y asi, una vez mas B-man lo hizo, el y Dios lo hicieron juntos una vez mas y lograron manterme a flote y crearon estas ganas de seguir haciendo las cosas y de vivir de nuevo. Gracias a B-man, gracias a Dios, son fantasticos!

I'm a person...again

2008-10-24T15:13:00.000-07:00

I need to thank God right now, since Saturday something changed inside of me. I was constantly tripping with myself, creating boarders in my head, body and life. Now those boarders ain't there no more, they're totally gone making me free, letting me think, letting me move, it's like if I had realesed the chains that were holding me back or inside, inside of my own head and heart. Now that I've broken society's chains that were on me I actually feel good ; and now I'm able to undertand that in the moment I read that I was "walking for freedom, to release the chains that are holding you" and I almost took it as a joke , at the end of the day I get to realize that I was walking for freedom, for my own freedom. Maybe the fact that I cried everytime I get to a new station was about something, and it was about I felt identified with it, it get to my heart, and deepinside of me I did felt that I needed all that. I need justice, I need freedom, I need love, I need God and so many things that makes us human beeings, all those kind of stuff that I was forgetting, putting aside from me, making me stop being a human, what's worse, a person, I was no longer beeing a person. Since that day I realized that there's much more than just studying and getting good grades , there's also the great feeling of serving to people, of beeing usefull, of helping in something, the warmness of a smile, the sensation of gettin close with someone, of plating and of reminding people around you that you love them (in case that you really love them hahaha). Cause life is full of things that we don't like or enjoy, but it's also full of things that we can do ,love and apreciate, so many wills that can make us and so many persons feel great, simple things.

I've realized I don't need need to mask anymore. Why sould I anyway? I've always knew beauty goes inside, but in the enviroment I was developing in college I was starting to use it, just like everybody else right there. I gotta shine everywhere I go no matter what, and I'm a great person no matter how I dress, how much make up I wear, no matter if I'm fat or skinny, no matter if my hair is blond or black.... I'm a great person!!! and I got the right to shine, to be the light, to be a person, to have feelings and express them. I just..... I'm just beeing myself and spreading love, nothing else matters.

Motivacion v/s Desmotivacion

2008-10-08T18:03:00.000-07:00

Porque la universidad es tan terrible???? SERIOUSLY! la ultima semana me di cuenta que estoy super desmotivada como que no quiero ir al lugar fisico....la carrera me gusta, porque me preguntaron si era eso, pero no. De todos modos, no me gusta sentir esa estupidez, es como un lugar tan oscuro y nublado donde no quiero entrar porque lo unico que pasa ahi es mas confusion. El lunes iba camino a la universidad y me empezo a doler la cabeza cuando el fin de semana me habia sentido super bien, entonces mi conclusion fue que es un motivo de estress para mi el hecho de ir al lugar fisico, el camino me estresa , el lugar quizas no esta siendo grato y es mas, creo que la gente. Este semestre estoy en una seccion con gente distinta, creo que estoy solo con una persona del semestre pasado (al que tampoco veo tanto por razones varias) y entonces estoy ahi...sola, botada , me siento sola y yo no hago amigos facilmente, entonces los unicos ( y pocos, vale mencionar) que habia hecho el semestre pasado, los veo si tengo suerte una hora a la semana....eso no es sufcienteee!! el resto dle tiempo siento que ando volando por ahi de aqui para allaa, es simplemente horribleee!!!!!! On the other hand....hoy me senti motivada en Linguistica (empiezo a pensar que todo es culpa de Rodrigo) porque vi lo que podia hacer y como entendia ciertas cosas, lo cual me motivo y dije: aahh quiero seguir viniendo!....en fin....cosa estupidaa!!!! SOLO QUIERO QUE SEA DICIEMBRE!!!!!!!

porque la gente es asi?

2008-09-27T18:38:00.000-07:00

Odio que me digan todo a ultima hora, odio que hagan planes y me digan que si y al final me dicen que no porque tienen otra cosa que hacer. Si, estoy enojada ahora! Y bastante enojada....pq si uno se compromete (sobre todo cuando es alguien que es tu amiga hace tiempo) y no has visto a esa persona hace unos meses, no le dices al otro que "parece que tienes otra cosa que hacer" a ultimo minuto. Que feooo, que feooo!!!! Asi que asi pasa.... horrible todoo. En verdad estoy super reflexiva y estupida tambien, pero bueno....asi es la vida no mas. Despues de esta semana de mierdaaa....queria salir a tontear con mis amigas que no veia hace un tiempo un ratito y pasarlo bien. Bueno..ahora me voy a hacer cualquier tontera fome de esas que hago yo, porque ya no voy a salir a pasarlo bien.... aahh q estoy picada!!! Encima si me decia antes me organizaba en otras cosas.....CAZZEGGIOOOO!!!!!!!

So it happened

2008-09-14T12:22:00.000-07:00

yeah, what I was waiting happened, I finally cried, and I cried like an insane person hauhauahauha, I think I didn't cried since December like that, but it's ok, I think I feel liberated now, I feel good and better, and Iwon't tell why I did it...cause it's stupid it was all because of a dream hahahahaa.

Anyway....today Vivi said Congo's the cookie monster, and he can't be, cause I'm officially the cookie monster, my mother calls me that way since I was a kid, soo nooo!!! I don't wanna share everything with him!! we do share so many things....so, I will not allow this situation! hauhauahua. So I will leave this thing I made so Vivi can see it again and laugh, cause she lvoed it.

miedo?

2008-08-24T19:11:00.000-07:00

Ultimamente he notado algo raro en mi, despues de mi tratamiento y todo...creo que estoy volviendo a caer en el mismo error, si, me he dado cuenta que ya no lloro, al menos casi nunca. Eso me pasaba un tiempo antes de que empezara con la depresion profunda....y despues llore muchisimo hahaha, pero ahora...me siento rara asi, pasa mucho tiempo y no boto ni una lagrima, sera que estare "anestesiada"? yo lo encuentro raro...suelo ser super llorona normalmente, pero ahora no se si es el no querer o no poder....o sea, a veces se me humedecen los ojos por cosas super tontas, pero creo que he ido eligiendo no llorar....la cosa mas estupida q puedo hacer, quizas por orgullo o no lo se, pero no lo hago. Ahora tengo un poco de miedo de que me vuelva a pasar lo mismo q la otra vez. Asi de la misma forma en q tengo miedo de que no me guste el nuevo CD de U2, es como tengo miedo de que me pase lo mismo.... hahahaha si, siempre tengo miedo cuando sale un CD nuevo de U2, me da miedo que no me guste alguna cancion o que no me guste ninguna cancion! hhahaha soy super tonta, pero esas cosas me dan miedo, no la muerte ni nada de eso. La persona mas rara del mundo, que le tiene miedo a q no le guste alguna cancion de sus superheroes: U2

mis ojos!!!

2008-08-19T19:06:00.001-07:00

Oh Dios mio!!! creo que voy a tener q empezar a ocupar lentes pq mis ojos no me estan ayudando, se me cansa la vista y esas cosas, me tirita un ojo y es desagradable, aunque no me complica, me gustaria ocuparlos, los encuentro lindos. Mi problema es q como he tenidoq leer muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuushoooo estas ultimas semanas y estudiar mucho, dormir menos y esas cosas mis ojos me pasan la cuenta. Estoy super segura q todo es culpa de esas luces blancas estupidas de la universidad y todo es culpa de ellas que me cansan los ojos, y me carga pq ando con cara de como si no hubiera dormido en unos cuantos dias, pero no es asi, duermo un poco menos, pero duemro bien y tengo cara de cansada con grandes ojeras y los ojos mas chicos de lo que los tengooo!! esto es injustoo....pero de todos modos prefiero no quejarme, por lo menos puedo ver y bastante bien

Blues reflexions

2008-07-23T18:39:00.000-07:00

Well today I'm kind'a blue..and as everyone knows (everyone, just the ones who really know me) I start to write something when I feel like this. Finally today I ended a long treatment of my depression, which is pretty good, I've felt great the whole freaken day, but I've realized just a moment ago that there's still something missing in my life, I'm not pretty sure of what might be, but sometimes no matter how hard u try to get things better and u work things out, sometimes the thing u're missing it's just a person, usually a person that doesn't give a shit about you, a person who don't care, a person who's hurted u and will probably do it again. So why do I have to miss it? Why do I? Why do I care, I'm sorry but I have to wonder. I mean...it's not something to loose your head about, but it still comes and goes, it's impossible not to remind it once in a while or even worse, not to feel it. Cause we've all felt lonliness, and betrayed and empty , maybe that's the darkest part of it, the emptiness, some people say emptiness can be good, honestly I don't see the bright side of it, emptiness is weird, lonely, dark, it might have light though, but...it's not nice, is the lack of experiences in your life.

Anyway... I'm also a bit sad cause I gotta change my computer, this one's dying, and I'm so super worried about passing all my photos and music to the new one, I love my pics...if I get to loose one, I will die!!! So...maybe I won't be around for a couple of days.

I still wanted to talk about something else, it's about a U2 lyric which made me think about that thing missing and emptiness and all that, is "Staring at the sun" it's quite funny how Bono I don't know how to put this really, but it's like he knows these feelings, and his songs always have some words for raising me up when I'm blue...I think it's just luck, but there's always a word for the moment, in that part when he says: "... I'm nearly great but there's something missing....I left it in the duty free... Though you never really belonged to me " and the song goes on...I would like to out particular enphasis in this sentence, which, to my eyes wants to reflex the shallow society we're living in and how everything we think we need is material, we search for material things that makes us feel good, how the important things are objects now, not persons any more...not love, not happiness, not faith, not joy, not excitment, not frustration, not learning, not hope, not dissapointment, not curiosity, but we need and we want a car, a big house the expensivest clothes, WHYY????????? how come society is like that??? I don't know....at least to me...this sentence makes me think a lot and makes me not wanna become something like that. I just wish , hope and I feel that this thing missing in my life right now is a person, not an object.

So finally thank you Bono for writing this song and making me think all this kind of crap, which at the end helps...at least it helps me.

you can't forgive what you can't forget

2008-07-09T21:23:00.000-07:00

No hay nada más difícil que vivir sin ti. Te extraño, te recuerdo cada día, me duele saber que no puedo volver a ti, no de esa forma ni en ese lugar por unos cuantos años al menos.
Te reemplacé con un nuevo amor, pero; un clavo jamás saca a otro.
Mi nuevo amor me llena tal vez más de lo que tú me pudiste llenar los últimos dos o tres años, quizás no en títulos, ni medallas, ni copas; pero espiritualmente ha hecho por mí más de lo que tú puedas imaginar.
Me ha enseñado lo que es el compañerismo, algo que tantas veces y por tanto tiempo busqué en ti, pero por más que me esforcé, no lo pude encontrar. Me está enseñando a respetarme a mí misma, a subir mi autoestima y al parecer es un amor correspondido, algo que contigo, debido a la situación no lo era, por más que te amé, te amo y te amaré por siempre , no resultó.
Siempre recuerdo aquellos tiempos, tal vez alguien podría decir que vivo de recuerdos, pero por más que intento no logro sacarte de mi cabeza y menos de mi corazón.
Recuerdo cada pequeño detalle de hace años como si fuera ayer, la huella que dejaste en mí jamás se borrará y espero algún día volvamos a estar juntos, pero de verdad, no como aquella vez.
Gracias a ti conocí gente muy valorable, que hoy ya no veo tan seguido como quisiera, conocí grandes personas a quienes amo mucho y jamás olvidaré todo lo que me ayudaron, lo que me entregaron y lo que hicieron por mi; tal vez me entregaron más que tú, ellos llenaban ese vacío. Tampoco podré olvidar por más que quisiera a aquellas personas que tanto daño me hicieron, muchísimo más que tú, a lo mejor la culpa no era tuya, si no de ellos, pero como el vínculo era irrompible, era mejor separarnos, aquellas personas, los únicos en el mundo que odio.
Con mi nuevo amor estoy muy contenta, me enseña cosas todos los días, tal como lo hacías tú, me da tremendas alegrías, claro que también me ha hecho llorar y a mares, pero la decepción no dura tanto como era contigo, él me da ánimo, esperanza y me ayuda a levantarme rápidamente; contigo ya no había confianza.
Cuando me dice algo, lo hace, no me deja esperando un mes y luego me dice no, él es honesto, es más limpio que tú, no existe total claridad en él, porque eso no existe en nada ni en nadie, pero es más claro que tú.
De todos modos sufro en la espera de poder regresar a ti y las ganas de mi cuerpo preguntan por ti, pero lamentablemente parece que no va mejor la situación.
Todavía no sé porque pero me baja la nostalgia cuando pienso en ti, recuerdo muchas cosas con alegría, todos aquellos momentos en que me sentía llena por dentro, aunque sólo durara un segundo, pero hay cierta amargura de todos modos, porque siempre después de esa alegría llegó un momento oscuro, no sé cómo ni porqué, pero nunca faltó ¡oscuridad desgraciada!
A veces lloro por ti, aunque es cada vez menos y con menos frecuencia, se me va pasando y espero poder algún día recuperarme del todo de esto y que así volvamos a estar juntos. O tal vez nunca pasará porque mi nuevo amor me llena demasiado.
Muchas veces me pregunto que seria de mi si hubiera continuado ahí, contigo. Después, logro verlo…. Es un ciclo que nunca podré cerrar, pero es algo que jamás podrá continuar porque una vez que lo pruebas no lo puedes dejar, y una vez que lo dejas no puedes regresar. Se que nunca va a ser como debería haber sido, al menos en mi cabeza debió haber sido así.
Con el tiempo he aprendido algo: no puedes olvidar lo que no puedes perdonar.
Si no me hubiera ido, sería tan feliz…(¿o no?)

Solo alejate

2008-06-27T19:32:00.000-07:00

Cuando estas en un problema que has tratado de arreglar muchas veces y sigue sin repararse, es mejor salir de el, porque o sino se crea un circulo vicioso y al final las personas involucradas terminan haciendose daño, y la relacion interpersonal es irreversible. En estos casos, si hay amor es mejor alejarse y dejar que el problema se calme y se va a solucionar solo con el tiempo....de alguna u otra manera vamos a perdonar los errores y vamos a obviar ciertas cirscunstancias, si no hay amor verdadero , el problema no se soluciona, porque dejamos de esforzarnos, no nos interesa solucionarlo realmente. En el caso de que haya amor y no salimos del circulo, comenzamos a lastimarnos y quedamos tan dañados que éste es irreparable, tan alejados que la distancia es solo espiritual, tan heridos que es incurable, tan enojados que no perdonamos , tan tristes que no podemos volver a sentir, tan desconfiados que no podemos volver a amar. Es por eso que cuando veas un circulo vicioso aproximandose, solo alejate...camina y camina hasta llegar a un lugar seguro, lejos del problema y dale tiempo, con amor se soluciona, si lo fuerzas, solo consigues dolor y dañar.....es mejor amar y perdonar , pero con tiempo.

When u have a problem and there's love...u need to walk away from the problem, and it'll solve by itself, but if u stay there, u create a circle and u start forsaking the solution so much, that u end up hurting, and when u realize, there's too much damage to be repair, too much anger to be love, too much hatred to be forgiven, so u gotta walk away, and u'll realize about the real problem, and if there's love, u'll forgive and be fine, but all we need is time

Penso

2008-06-19T16:07:00.000-07:00

penso...
penso a volte tante cose
penso che la vita è brutta
penso che la vita è bella
penso che questo non è giusto
penso dopo che nessuno ha mai detto che dovrebbe essere giusto
penso che mi sento sola
penso che ho tanta gente intorno a me
penso che voglio scappare
ma preferisco restare qua
penso che non mi ha mai stato facile
penso che il mio errore è stato a venire al mondo
e dopo penso....è proprio così?o solo lo penso?
perche ho trovato delle cose buone e la gente che mi vuole bene
ma ancora non riesco a capire perche
deve essere la strada così difficile
chisà se fosse semplice non sarei capace di sentire mai la felicità.
Tutte le cose che mi piacciono
La musica che arriva a miei uditi e mi fa sorridere
Quando guardo a i bambini crescere
Guardare indietro e capire tutti i passi che hai andato
Pensare che non sarei mai quella piccola persona
Che ora sono grande
Mi valgo per me stessa
Ma c'è ancora una cosa in ritrito con quella bambina....
Penso che mi è rimasto tanto per imparare e scoprire
Penso che non ho fatto ne la mettà della strada
Penso che la vita continua
Anche se noi non vogliamo così
Penso che il mondo non si ferma di girare
Quando spargo una lacrima,
Allora perche continuo a sparglieli?
Se il mondo non se ne fregga, così como lui continua
Penso che io devo fare lo stesso
Alla fine...si te fermi per molto tempo
Sei rimasto ipnotizzato per la sua rotazione
E c'è molti che rimastonno succhiandosi il dito
Guardandolo attoniti
Quelli che vedi nei manicomi
Penso che quelli sono l'unichi sani di mente
Che hanno visto il movimento della Terra
E non sono stati capaci di accetare che non si ferma mai,
Quelli, hanno deciso di chinare del treno
Penso che quelli sono i coraggiosi
Quelli che fanno la differenza

pienso....
pienso a veces tantas cosas
pienso que la vida es fea
pienso que la vida es linda
pienso que esto no es justo
pienso después que nadie dijo nunca que seria justo
pienso que me siento sola
pienso que hay tanta gente alrededor mio
pienso que quiero escapar
pero prefiero quedarme aca
pienso que no me ha sido facil
pienso que mi error fue venir al mundo
y después pienso… es realmente asi?O solo lo pienso?
Porque he encontrado cosas buenas
Y la gente que me quiere de verdad
Pero ahora no puedo entender porque
Debe ser tan difícil el camino
Quiza si fuera simple
No seria capaz de sentir nunca la felicidad.
Todas las cosas que me gustan
La musica que llega a mis oidos y me hace sonreir
Cuando miro a los mas chicos crecer
Mirar atrás y darte cuenta de todos los pasos que diste
Pensar que nunca mas seras esa personita
Que ahora soy grande
Me valgo por mi misma
Pero hay algo que tengo en comun con esa chica….
Pienso que me quedan tantas cosas por aprender y por descubrir
Pienso que no he hecho ni la mitad del camino
Pienso que la vida sigue
Aunque nosotros no queramos que siga
Pienso que el mundo no deja de girar
Cuando derramo un lagrima,
Entonces de que sirve derramarlas?
Si al mundo no le interesa, y asi como el sigue girando
Pienso que yo tambien debo hacerlo
Al final….si te detienes mucho rato
Te quedas hipnotizado por su rotacion
Y hay muchos que quedan chupandose el dedo,
Mirandolo atonitos
Aquellos que ves en los manicomnios …
Pienso que ellos son los unicos cuerdos
Que se dieron cuenta del movimiento de la Tierra
Y no pudieron aceptar que no parara nunca,
Aquellos, decidieron bajarse del tren
Pienso que aquellos son los valientes
Los que marcan la diferencia

entonces que (so what)

2008-06-19T15:51:00.000-07:00

I feel bad,
I feel used,
I feel stupid,
and I feel sad
Cause it cannot be
that nobody's able to love me
Cause I always give too much
And I don't recieve anything back
so I feel tired with all these feelings
spining around my empty heart

Making me hopeless
Making me feel stupid
And the worse of all
very, very lonely

I might be really stupid
I might be bad
Nothing's really clear by now
My feelings are taking me
And I don't know how to act
There's a battle in my body
between letting them out
or keeping them inside

Me siento mal
Me siento usada
Me siento estupida
Y Me siento triste
Porque no puede ser
Que nadie sea capaz de amarme
Porque siempre doy mucho
Y no recibo nada de vuelta
Entonces me siento cansada
Con todos estos sentimientos
Dando vueltas alrededor en mi corazon vacio

Dejandome sin esperanzas
Haciendome sentir estupida
Y lo peor de todo
Muy, muy solitaria
Capaz debo ser muy estupida
Capaz soy mala
Pero nada esta muy claro por ahora
Mis sentimientos me toman
Y no se como actuar
Hay una batalla en mi cuerpo
Entre dejarlos salir
O mantenerlos adentro

Mi sento male,
Mi sento usata,
Mi sento stronza,
E mi sento triste
Perchè non è possibile
Che nessuno sia capace di amarmi
Perche sempre do molto
E non ricevo nulla
Allora mi sento stanca
Con tutti questi sentimenti
Rigirando per il mio cuore vuoto

Lasciandomi senza speranze
Faccendomi sentire stronza
E lo peggio di tutto
Molto, molto sola
Forse devo essere molto stupida
Forse sono mala
Ma niente è più chiaro per 'ora
Miei sentimenti mi dominanno
E non so come attuare
C'è una battaglia nel mio corpo
Tra lasciarli uscire
O rimanerli dentro