damn!

Again way too long from the last time. It shouldn't be that way, but I have no much time lately, not even for myself. This whole college , boyfriend and family things have turned my world upside down, and I'm not sure I like it anymore. Remember how I used to figure things up and have epiphanies regarding what was going on in my life? Now I only wonder, I have nothing but questions.

I came to a point where here I am, 23 years old and I've just realized that my life is nothing like I have expected to be, I was supossed to be doing something else....not studying this carreer, I'm not doing what I love, and what's worse, nothing seems to really fill me up and make me totally happy. There's actually nothing that brings that balance that we all need.

So here I am , extremely confused, not knowing what to do, not being able to shout it out loud to let it go, and with so damn much going on. I'm not sure if I wanna be single again or not, it's just I really need some time for myself and specially to think, to figure things out. Plus I have so much doubts about him, and everything, sometimes I just think: this is not gonna work, this is not going to last long . Sometimes I even think I'm not made to be in a couple, I love being independent, and do whatever I want , when I want and don't have to explain anyone anything! That way is how I feel free..... and he doesn't understand it , so sometimes I'm like in this sord or prision, trying to release myself from the shackles , and can't totally achieve it.

Then, there's my carreer, maybe I'm just too tired of studying and all, but it doesn't let me time for anything else, and here is where trouble beggins, because if the same things happened to me with waterski , I'm pretty sure that I would say: " I don't fucken mind, I'm doing what I love the most on this earth , and I'm absolutely sure that I don't wanna do anything else, or wish to be in anywhere else but here, no matter if I have no time for anything else, I don't need it, this is my whole life". Instead , I'm like: "craic, I just want this crap to finish up, get a degree as soon as possible and start making money in orden to live on my own and don't have to give explanatios to anyone or ask for money ever again." Crappy as it sounds, hein?

At this very moment, all I want is to leave all my life here, forget about everything, not even put it on hold, just finish up what I was doing and take off, just travel, have some vacations for a couple of weeks, away from everything and everyone. It's like a serious refreshing for myself, and I cannot do that for multiple reasons. But I seriously wish I could do that, as a matter of fact is almost the only thing that I certainly know that I friggin wanna do!!!!!!!!

So the rest is history......I gotta try to move on and finish up this semestre as soon as possible and in the best way as possible as well. My jouney of living now beggins, I have already spoken out loud (here and to my bf making things very clear) , so anything that happens from now and on, I'll be a bitch and say things very hardly on the face, with no care of being a bad woman, because I'm not, and if I get to say things in a bitchy way that are true, it's only because I respect myself, and I know how much I am worth it.

Thank u God, U2 and Edge (of course my family is included too) for giving me the strength to start one more time and this time, even stronger that what I was before today.