Sometimes I feel I don't know....

I''ve just realized that last time I wrote, I was about to get into one of the hardest and most painfull moments of my life. After that armoured peace , came the bloody war, and what a war, emotionally speaking , my stepdad died and that was a mess, mainly because he has being the other father that I ever had , the only one who would actually love us and take care of us for real, because he felt it, and he was the only one who could heal our wounds and let us believe in life and in people again, he helped us through the way and let us a in a good place when he noticed that we were somehow recovered and he had to leave, God calls people sometimes, and so it happened with David. So in that very moment everything changed, I had to carry my mother, he became dead in life, so I had to act very strong and take charge of things and my mother. At the same very moment we were living my aunt's second cancer, the very same day the funeral took place, my aunt was entering the O.R. for a major back surgery. So that became a war, awfull moments full of pain, missing him like hell, needing him, and I had my own process, first I couldn't believed it, a week later I was comming back from college and I found myself hoping for his car to be in the front of my house, hoping for to get home and see him there again, hoping for everything to have been nothing but a bad dream, so then times came when I heard him talk at night in my house, saying good night and that only made the emptiness even bigger. So rough times came, just as I was afraid of....that moment of way too much peace had to meant something, at it did, something so big and difficult comming up ahead and when it came, it did it big time. I don't know if I learnt much about that, but I do know that I can't still get it over, I've been crying my eyes out during all the time I've wirting this.

Talking about other things, I've already done a whole smestre and passed all my subjects , which made me very happy. I had some weird stories in the romantic area.... but now they seem funny to me and I can only laugh regarding those moments and what happened. I don't exactly know what has happened to me with all those things...because I've arrived at a place and moment when I feel way too comfortable with myself and I like that. But I beleive that I'm having some troubles to relate with people, it's like again, I don't wanna get to close, why? I don't have the slightest idea!!!! I feel a lot that I wanna be alone, that I don't miss people , just a few that I haven't seen in a long time, but maybe I'm trying to get back to my comfort zone again. It's still something I need to work on and think about because I have no idea what's going on. On the other hand, it's so true that things comes around when u're not looking for them , or sometimes when u don't even want them, and then I'm in the cue of things, trying to make a desition for so many options or ways and certainly don't know where to go to, mainly because I believe that I'm a bit scared, which is odd, because I usually amaze myself by discovering that I fear so few things, almost nothing, like I fear to dislike a new U2 song , very stupid things btw, so it's very odd that in this moment I have those fears....Geez....will I ever understand myself again? at least I hope so, I need a new revelation, soon.